“I’m equal parts confused and intrigued”
“I am not endorsing this.”
“Wow! That’s a lot of fire...”
“What is wrong with you?”
Cleansed: a ritual
(with apologies to Sarah Kane)
A spiritual happening.
Participants will be asked to join hands and may or may not be required to put their right foot in and/or their right foot out.
Cleansed is a life-long, multi-venue, theatrically confounding commitment.
About the Project
Goal
Cleanse the exterior (or interior) of all 41 Broadway theatres
Rules
Each theatre may only be cleansed a single time
Cleansings are scheduled when a production meets a specific set of criteria
All cleansings must occur immediately following a production’s closing performance
Criteria
The show must be awful
and/or
2. The show has run for 10+ years
Risks
It may alienate members of the theatrical community
It might not be completed before my death. What if Phantom never closes?
What’s clean?
Al Hirschfeld
Nederlander
Music Box
August 18th, 2019
April 7th, 2019
September 18th, 2022
Built in 1921. Designed for Irving Berlin.
NOTES: Dear Evan Hansen is a mess.
What’s left?
Ambassador
Built in 1921. Chicago just won’t die.
NOTES: I’m still sad I missed Brandy play Roxy Hart.
Belasco
Built in 1907. The interior is gorgeous.
NOTES: This is a holy place. Can’t believe I forgot to cleanse it after “Gettin’ the Band Back Together"
Broadhurst
Built in 1917. Once home to a naked Daniel Radcliffe.
NOTES: Another missed opportunity. Ya’ll see Anastasia?
Circle in the Square
Built in 1972. It’s in a basement.
NOTES: Oklahoma. Oklahoma! OKLAHOMA! OKLA! HOMA!
Eugene O’Neill
Built in 1925. Formerly part of a hotel complex.
NOTES: They apparently “updated” Book of Mormon.
Hayes
Built in 1912. Originally named The Little Theatre.
NOTES: OUCH! My legs!
John Golden
Built in 1927. One of the smallest houses on Broadway
NOTES: OUCH! MY LEGS!
Ethel Barrymore
Built in 1928. Should be renamed after Drew.
NOTES: I hate fishing, but I loved The Band’s Visit.
Booth
Built in 1913. Named after Edwin, not John.
NOTES: The balcony is weird.
Brooks Atkinson
Built in 1926. Later home to a television studio.
NOTES: This place still smells like pie.
George Gershwin
Built in 1972. Largest house on Broadway.
NOTES: Wicked is about 9/11.
Vivian Baumont
Built in 1965. Part of Lincoln Center.
NOTES: Will I get arrested for saging the Baumont? Probably…
Gerald Schoenfeld
Built in 1918. Jekyll & Hyde opened here.
NOTES: I still can’t believe how good this show actually was.
James Earl Jones
Built in 1912. Formerly The Cort.
NOTES: Sam Gold’s King Lear was dope.
Hudson
Built in 1903. Owned by soulless capitalists.
NOTES: Not. Enough. Celebrities.
Imperial
Built in 1923. Specifically designed for musicals.
NOTES: Great Comet closed, and it’s entirely your fault.
Lunt-Fontanne
Built in 1911. The roof was supposed to open.
NOTES: Why didn’t we get the Sam Mendes Wonka musical? Why are we undeserving of love?
Longacre
Built in 1913. Cursed by Babe Ruth.
NOTES: The Prom is bad. And so are you.
Lyric
Built in 1998. They keep changing the name.
NOTES: Cursed Child is both a great time, and a bad play.
Lyceum
Built in 1903. Still known by original name.
NOTES: I don’t even know where this one is.
Majestic
Built in 1927. Blessed by Andre de Shields.
NOTES: Phantom will outlive us all.
Marquis
Built in 1986. Owned by a hotel.
NOTES: This place is weird. It’s in a hotel. Where is their stage door even at?
Minskoff
Built in 1973. Rockabye Hamlet opened here.
NOTES: Dance of the Vampires also opened here…and closed.
Neil Simon
Built in 1927. A high-rise is supposed to pop up here…
NOTES: I’m still sad I missed The Cher Show.
Richard Rodgers
Built in 1925. Renamed after this lame guy.
NOTES: We were promised a new wave of accessibility and all we got was fucked by the bougiousie.
New Amsterdam
Built in 1903. Owned by Disney.
NOTES: Are they casting actual middle-eastern actors yet?
Palace
Built in 1913. They got ghosts here. Acrobat ghosts.
NOTES: We didn’t deserve Spongebob. We aren’t good enough.
Shubert
Built in 1913. Cheesecake nearby.
NOTES: Matilda should still be open. This is also your fault.
Samuel J. Friedman
Built in 1925. MTC’s Broadway house.
NOTES: MTC needs to cut it out.
Stephen Sondheim
Built in 1918. Apparently Roundabout owns this too.
NOTES: This is apparently not the old Plymouth Theatre…
St. James
Built in 1927. They shot Birdman here.
NOTES: Liesl Tommy did Frozen at Disneyland. It was better.
Walter Kerr
Built in 1921. Re-opened in 1990.
NOTES: You need to see Hadestown.
American Airlines
Built in 1918. Roundabout’s Broadway house.
NOTES: I should just take up residence here but that sounds like too much work.
August Wilson
Built in 1925. Owned by the company with the bad cups.
NOTES: August Wilson would hate Mean Girls.
Bernard Jacobs
Built in 1927. Former CBS Radio hub.
NOTES: I am the only person that did not see The Ferryman
Broadway
Built in 1924. Steamboat Willie premiered here.
NOTES: This is a schlock palace and ya’ll just need to accept that.
Studio 54
Built in 1927. Roundabout’s got claws in this one too.
NOTES: This place has the best vibes.
Winter Garden
Built in 1911. Rebuilt in 1922
NOTES: They got great puppets.